Nowhere in the world seems to have the beach culture of Brazil. I am usually bored on the beach after half an hour but here I have been kept entertained for hours people watching whilst Mike slowly rotates like a hot sausage. If you´re ever heading to Brazil there are a few things you need to know.
For her
Wax it, wax it some more, buff it, polish it, and put it out there. Big bottoms, small bottoms, it doesn´t matter, get that tiny bikini on and strut. If you´re under 70 and it´s covering your cheeks, get a smaller one or you´ll feel like an OAP at aqua aerobics at the local leisure centre. If you don´t look like a supermodel, walk like a supermodel anyway and you´ll fool half the people on the beach. Take with you to the beach: your bikini, a sarong to lie on, a tube of sun cream, a lip gloss, shades and a hairbrush. Leave the towel, the i-pod and the book behind and under no circumstances wear your underwear, shorts and t-shirt to the beach and wriggle around under a towel trying to change. If you really must wear something, make it a very small and floaty beach dress. Your dry underwear will not be needed as you will travel home wearing your bikini, the sarong, and a thin covering of sand. Your hair needs to be long and it needs to be worn down. If you go in the sea tilt your head back so it streams down your back. If you dive through the surf, stick your pretty litttle bottom in the air and point your toes. Splash about and giggle. If you are on the beach with your girl friends, preen and chat, point to your breasts, then your friend´s. Fiddle with your bikini straps. Brush your hair. Wiggle your bottom as you turn over on your sarong again and again. Rub sun cream onto each other. Ignore the adoring looks of all the men around you. If you´re with your boyfriend/husband bring the lip gloss as at least twenty minutes of passionate kissing is required per hour. Children nearby? It really doesn´t matter, just get in there.
For him
You have two choices - board shorts and a surf board or tight trunks. Bring with you: a sarong, some suncream, a bat and ball game and a sun umbrella in a nifty shoulder bag. Leave all of the above on the sand and go for a stroll. See something you like the look of? Just stop and have a good look, no need to be discreet. If you´re with your friends, go to edge of the sea, wrestle and kick some sand. Dive masterfully through the big waves. Kick a football about. If you´re with your wife/girlfriend see above re. kissing. If you´re feeling a bit self-conscious because you´re no Brad Pitt, dont worry - you will more than likely end up with a girl that looks like Gisele and tourists from the UK will lie on the beach wondering how on earth you pulled that one off.
What are you waiting for? Book that flight!
(Photos to be added soon)
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